At Your Side
by Thunder-Nari
Summary: MalWashSimon slash. An AU PostBDM. Mal is angry, Wash tries to cope, Simon wants to help.
1. Chapter 1

**At Your Side**

_Part One. Wash._

It happens so fast that he's caught up in a whirlwind with the events. So fast. And it's just as fast that everything grinds to a halt and he's thrown into slow motion grainy detail. Worse. Everything that had been blurred over before – the harpoon and the Reavers and the running like hell once it was over – is _remembered_ in slow motion grainy detail where before it had been a blur. Like a nightmare that you couldn't quite remember. You know what happened, it's just the details aren't there. It's all detached.

It hits him in the middle of the night more than a month later. He's waking with a gasp and he can remember it all. So hard he loses his breath. It's just a simple few words that are stuck on repeat in his head.

_Zoe is gone_.

He's been sleeping in the huge double bed alone. Arm flung out to the side like trying to seek something that wont be there anymore. He remembers that he hates sleeping alone, always has. And just like that, he can't sleep anymore. Life slows down and he spends most of his time remembering. Whether he's in the too large, too empty, bed trying to sleep or on the bridge trying not to crash them.

Two weeks pass - _two months since it's happened_ - and apparently he's not hiding it as well as he thought. He jokes and smiles and pokes fun at Jayne like always. It's not enough though because their _ben tian sheng de_ captain is walking onto the bridge with arms crossed.

Mal doesn't bother to beat around the bush. "Need to know where your heads at, Wash."

Wash raises his eyebrows. "Right where it's always been, sir." He gives Mal a smile. "Square set on my shoulders."

Mal doesn't look amused or appeased. "We got a job tomorrow, Wash, and I need you here." And he's not saying _here_ on the bridge. But focused, ready, to help.

Wash knows he's gaping a little. "Me?" Mal keeps a steady gaze on him until Wash is nodding. "I'm here." Mal looks relieved then and Wash wonders just when the hell he managed to become the right hand man. And how he didn't notice that change either.

* * *

He supposes that he can understand. Wash doesn't go with them on the job, Mal takes Jayne. It doesn't matter what Wash is now because he'll never be a fighter. But Mal comes onto the bridge and they talk. About the take and about the strategy. Wash learns a lot and Mal learns Wash maybe knows a lot more about any of this stuff than he lets on. Mal doesn't question it, just looks grateful for it.

But Wash is a decent replacement, not a perfect one.

It's good to have something else to think about but there's still those weeks where they all just stagnate in the middle of space. More often now since they have the heat of the Alliance on them. And Wash still can't sleep at night. It makes him even more inclined than usual to argue with Mal. Zoe never argued with Mal.

They always had had volatile tempers around each other and it doesn't change just because Zoe is out of the picture. Zoe never really _is_ out of the picture anyway.

They're arguing again. Over some simple strategic point but can Wash really help it if he'd rather Mal took the cautious route instead of the 'face them head on' route?

"Rutting hell, Mal, if you would just listen to me for one-"

"It ain't up for discussion." Mal's hitting the end of his patience. "This is the way it's happening. Seems to me you should try takin' a page outta your wife's book and stop arguing." As ground out as the words are, Wash can see that Mal instantly regrets them.

It doesn't matter. Four months passed doesn't do anything to lesson the sting. Mal is shaking his head, apologizing but Wash doesn't listen. It's all down to slow motion again as his composure cracks and he's pulling back and punching Mal in the face.

He's yelling. Mal has no right to be mentioning her like that. Or mentioning her at all. It's his fault, it's Mal's fault. He lays into him again and it hurts his knuckles. It hurts more when Mal fights back. He's not one to lie down and just take a beating.

Wash's head spins and he can see Simon from the corner of his eye. Seems like it takes the doc a year to make it across the galley to them. Then a firm hand planted to his chest is pushing him back and he nearly stumbles. Simon doesn't stay with him, eyes on Mal, both hands on the captain's shoulders as he speaks lowly. Wash can't make out the words, his head still spins and his blood roars in his ears. He shakes his head and regrets it. Mal punches with iron fists.

Mal's eyes are flicking to him and Wash pulls himself up, like holding himself ready. Truth is, he feels a lot more like falling over and he wonders if he managed to do anything to Mal at all. Mal doesn't move towards him again though, just looks away and then walks away.

Wash watches before dropping his eyes to the floor with a defeated breath. This isn't how things were meant to go. Things just can't keep going smooth.

"Wash?" He's almost forgotten that Simon is still there. He doesn't bother to look up because he knows the doctor will look worried or pitied. He doesn't want to see the evidence that he's letting it all get to him and now everyone knows. "Come with me."

Simon's arm is gentle at his elbow as he leads Wash off to the infirmary.

* * *

"I want you to start taking these."

Wash looks up with a bit of shock when there's a bottle of pills placed in front of his plate to look at Simon. He frowns, gaze switching from Simon to the pills, back again.

"I'm not crazy." Even if he thinks that might not be true. Both he and Mal have been walking around for the last few days sporting several bruises that say otherwise. Mal hasn't approached him since then and Wash doesn't know whether to be thankful for the distance or irritated by it.

Simon smiles at him. "They're to help you sleep."

"I've been-"

Simon holds up a hand to stall him. "I'm a doctor, don't lie to me." He's still smiling, all types of calming the way doctor's should be.

Wash takes up the little bottle and studies it. Simon sighs after a short moment and settles into the chair next to his. The smile fades but the shadows of it are still there. "It doesn't mean that you're...crazy. There's nothing wrong with needing a little help."

"And you're offering to give it?" His eyebrow lifts unsure

"You're allowed to worry about me but I'm not allowed to worry about you?" He alludes to a day ages ago and Wash smiles with an amused shake of his head.

"Whatever you say, Simon."

He's still smiling when he takes up the pills and takes his exit.

* * *

The pills sit untouched for days before he gives in and takes them. They let him sleep without dreams. They also mean that he wakes up every morning alone. Always with an arm thrown over to the side - _Zoe's side_ - searching.

He thinks that he should take Simon up on his offer of help. But every time he gets close to the infirmary, he loses his nerves and walks away. He doesn't want to talk about Zoe. He doesn't want to make it into something that real, something that he has to face.

He doesn't really want to face Mal either anymore but that's another thing he suspects he doesn't have a choice over. The ship isn't that large and, though they've done a good job of avoiding each other so far, they can't stay out of each other's ways forever. He didn't think that would be because Mal come up to the bridge to find him though.

The bruise that had been under Mal's eye is mostly faded already. Wash never could hit very hard and he's impressed he managed to bruise Mal at all. Not to mention guilty. But his own face looks much worse.

"Thought I'd...come see how you were doing."

Wash tries to hide his surprise behind a nonchalant look. "Good as ever." He tries to dismiss everything, play it down. He wonders how much Mal sees when it doesn't work.

Mal gives a crooked smile. "Doin' pretty crappy myself."

"Didn't think I was that transparent."

Mal shrugs but the smile widens. "You pet your dinosaurs when your upset."

Wash looks down at the stegosaurus in his hands, finger stroking between the plates on it's back. He doesn't bother to stop. "Zoe tell you that?" It's a knife going through his chest just mentioning her name.

"No."

He does a double take at Mal. "That's creepy."

Mal grins at him. "Yeah." Wash keeps petting the dinosaur while Mal contemplates him. "Couple months ago you told me you were here." Wash looks at him with a frown and blue eyes meet. "Need to know if that's still true."

"I'm fine." Mal looks skeptical and Wash knows he has every right to. "I'm dealing."

"How exactly? 'Cause mostly, I just see you sulking up here."

* * *

Mal is pushing him back onto the double bed and Wash goes down without complaint. He doesn't complain when Mal is stripping them both of the their clothes or when Mal is lifting his legs over his shoulders and when Mal's fingers are making him gasp.

He has no clue how they got here. Doesn't know what they're doing. Something about showing Mal how he's dealing. Or maybe how he's not dealing. If that's the case then it looks like Mal isn't dealing either but then he's known that since the galley.

He doesn't know which of them got them in this position but he doesn't have the thought to question. Doesn't have the thought for much of anything when Mal moves like that and sends a shock of near pain to run through him. When Mal's breath pants over his lips.

"_Mal_..."

He wakes with his arm thrown over the side and a solid chest under it.

* * *

"What you're doing isn't healthy."

Wash tries to hide his surprise behind a confused smile. Clueless and innocent. Simon can't be talking about what instantly springs to his mind. He and Mal are careful. How they cope isn't anybodies business but theirs. Simon isn't buying that.

"Don't give me that, Wash. You know what I'm talking about and it isn't healthy. For either of you."

"How do you even know?"

"I'm a doctor, it's my job to know when you're doing something stupid," Simon dismisses and Wash bristles. Does Simon really need to insult him to get his point across? Before he can argue the point though – or just make a dignified 'Hey!' - Simon goes on. "There are better ways to deal."

Wash sighs and looks down at the galley table where Simon's found him, absently – nervously – picking at the wood with a fingernail. "Hypothetically, and just to humour you since you don't seem to want to leave me alone," he shoots Simon a glare which seems to make Simon smile, "what is a 'better' way?"

"Talking about it usually helps."

Wash gapes at him. "Talking? That's your magic solution?" He's almost angry that Simon would let him down like this.

"There's not going to be a magic solution, Wash. You need to work through it, not ignore everything by going off and...rutting with Mal."

Wash falls silent in the face of Simon's anger. He thinks it's anger. He looks down and purses his lips before letting out an almost shaky breath.

"...I miss Zoe."

Arms are around him before he can register Simon's moving and he closes his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

_Part Two. Mal._

He can hear them from where he's standing by the galley door. Neither notices him but why should they? They've got coffee going and he wonders if he's ever seen Simon so relaxed. He's seen Wash that relaxed but it always comes when he's too tired in the mornings to bother with anything like tense. Where it seems like Wash might like nothing more than to lie in the bunk all day and cuddle.

He's got a ship to run though. Doesn't have time to be lying about waisting daylight. It's what he tells himself every time he pulls out from under Wash's arm and leaves the bunk. He can always feel Wash's gaze burning into his back as he leaves. Can practically hear Wash saying 'stay' even if that's never actually said. Some things just aren't.

Like Zoe. Zoe is never said and never talked about.

Except that that's what Wash and Simon are talking about now. With a grin on either side and Wash is telling some story. Mal doesn't care to hear the words. He doesn't care for the reminder or the painful clenching in his gut. The tightening in his chest that makes him want to push Wash away from Simon and down to his bunk to loosen it.

An urge that increases when Simon's eyes linger too long and Mal is stepping forward, making his presence known. He pretends like he hasn't been eavesdropping at the doorway for the last ten minutes and plasters a confused smile over his face.

"Missin' something funny?"

He steps between them and Simon's gaze over Wash is broken.

* * *

Mal pushes Wash back against the wall and almost pauses in his surprise when he isn't met with any resistance. Just Wash's fingers threading into his hair and Wash gasping as Mal slides a leg between his thighs.

"You and Simon..." Mal manages to get out but already he's not really sure where he's going. What he's going to say that isn't going to make him come off as jealous or possessive. Which he isn't, he just doesn't want Simon messing with Wash's head. As if they haven't been through enough already, Simon will try and take away this one thing that's letting them cope.

But Wash is shaking his head anyway, riding against Mal's leg. "Really don't think nows the time."

Mal just nods as his lips capture Wash's, a harsh kiss that claims Wash as his and Wash just groans into it.

* * *

They have another new job. Mal has been keeping them all busy, running any job he can get his hands on. They need the business, the supplies, the money. The distraction.

Wash is kept busy either piloting or by Mal's side. Doing the plotting and the scheming. Wash argues with him a lot more than Zoe ever did. It gets Mal's blood riled up and generally ends with Wash on his back, yelling out Mal's name for a reason other than annoyance. They repeat the ritual so many times that the arguing becomes no more than foreplay, they both know where it will end.

And Simon? Well, he doesn't give a good gorram where Simon is these days. Watching his feng le sister or counting things in the infirmary. Long as the boy stays out of the way and stays out of trouble. Stays away from _his_ Wash and just when did that happen? During all the months of sleeping together, finding some sort of comfort or companionship in it. Ain't nothing deeper. Just all he has.

He wakes up in the middle of the night alone, no heavy press of Wash's arm thrown across his chest. He panics instantly. _All he has_. He's up on his feet before he even registers being awake properly. Gets his pants tugged on and shirt pulled over his head. He's out of his bunk – not Wash's, Zoe is still there – and a step down the hall before he stops himself.

No need to panic. They're in the middle of gorram space, where would he go. Probably just in the galley and Mal heads there on silent bare feet. Wash is going to think he's insane if he goes bursting in.

But Wash isn't in the galley. Next logical place is the bridge but there's no sign there either. Mal feels the pushed back panic starting to fight loose again.

_All he has_.

He finds Wash in the infirmary. Not hurt, not even upset. He's sitting cross-legged on the exam table while Simon leans on the counter. Both in sleep clothes. Both smiling. Both laughing.

Mal grits his teeth and sneaks away.

* * *

Simon isn't afraid of Mal anymore and Mal thinks he hates that. He misses the days when Simon was an inch from cowering away. Even then though, Simon never did miss a beat with the sarcasm. Made Mal grind his teeth like he's grinding them now.

As Simon looks down at him with that smug attitude. That says he knows something Mal doesn't and Mal will always be too stupid to figure it out. Mal hates that Simon is probably right.

"Are you jealous, Captain?" The tone says Simon knows the answer.

Mal's hands are fisted tight in Simon's shirt, wrecking the smooth fabric, shoving Simon up against the wall. Crowding him with a promise of violence. Everything that says Wash is his and Simon better keep hands off.

"I got something to be jealous of?"

Simon shakes his head. "Whatever you think is going on, I can assure you-"

"I don't think nothing's going on. And you better plan on keeping it that way."

He shoves Simon once more and is rewarded with a cringe from the man. He leaves it at that and turns to walk away but seems that Simon always has one more thing to say. Just one more thing to ruin it all.

"You're not helping him."

He turns back, stares Simon down but Simon just stares right back at him. River is getting better. Mal doesn't want to know if Simon has made Wash his new mission.

"I got nothin' more to say to you, doc."

* * *

"I think I'm okay now."

Mal spins to the voice, eyes Wash standing in the door to the galley. Wash is smiling, looking more at ease than he has in the last year. Hands in the pockets of his flight suit, slump to his shoulders. Mal gives a lift of his eyebrows.

"Are you?"

Wash shrugs and steps into the galley. Not up to Mal though, there's no sudden press of Wash against him. Not like he wants. "Yeah. So I was thinking, that old bunk of mine when I first got here is still free. Think it's even got some of my stuff in it still."

And Mal doesn't need him to say anymore.

* * *

He should have noticed it. In retrospect, he should have seen it coming.

Wash didn't come to him anymore. He went to Wash. It didn't matter and it still got him the same the result. Wash in his bed and him waking up with Wash's heavy arm over his chest.

He wakes with nothing now. Night after night. Dead quiet and freezing cold. He's used to Wash's breathing, to Wash's heat soaking into him. He misses it. Wash is all he has. But he's not all Wash has.

He knows exactly who's the blame for this.

"Simon!" The name comes bellowed out and this time he has the pleasure of watching Simon jump. Of seeing the doc spin to him in the middle of the corridor and cringing back at the look of murder Mal hopes he has plastered over his face.

"Mal, what-" He cuts off into a gasp and Mal can hear the pain in it.

He's got his hands in Simon's fine shirt again, shoving him back against the railings and Simon looks down from the catwalk they stand on, into the cargo bay that's too far down. Mal hopes that he's driving his point in now.

"You got no right."

Simon's hands are hard around his wrists, trying to push him away but he doesn't move. A sneer falls over the doc's face. "I didn't realize we were laying claims."

That right there says everything Mal didn't want to know. Simon's not denying a thing. He wants Wash. All those lingering gazes and lingering touches when Mal watches them from just outside the room. The way Wash doesn't flinch away from any of them. Mal can't just push it aside now and hope it's nothing.

Mal isn't all Wash has because Wash has Simon. Sweet, caring, gentle Simon who probably treats Wash kind and doesn't go around arguing just so they can have the angry sex because any other kind hurts too much. Like it hurts now and he's so sure that Simon can see that through the anger in his voice.

"Seems I recall telling you to stay away."

"And it seems to me that that isn't your choice."

Truth hurts.

Everything hurts.

A noise behind them has Mal turning and there's Wash. Looking worried but his eyes aren't on Mal, they're on Simon. There's this horrible dropping sensation and he's shoving Simon away from him. Shoving past Wash who tries to ask what's wrong.

Mal manages to mutter out a 'nothing' and then he's gone down the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

_Part Three. Simon._

"I thought you and Mal stopped." He tries to keep the jealousy out of his tone as he steps onto the bridge, arms crossed and trying to look stern doctor. Not betrayed lover. Because he's not. Not anyone's and certainly not Wash's. Wash is far too busy being screwed over by the Captain.

Simon expects that he looks far too much like a betrayed lover.

Wash turns to him, confused and – Simon is learning to read him – closed off.

Simon steps up next to him, laying a hand over his shoulder. He seems hyper-aware in the moment of all the little touches he's ever laid on Wash, the looks. How has Wash not noticed them yet?

"We did..." Wash starts slowly, eyebrow raised a touch which, of course, Simon notices. "And then we...stopped stopping."

"I thought we agreed that-"

"It's not about me anymore."

"It's not?" Simon can hear the little double take to his tone.

"Captain needs this."

"What about you? What about what you need."

River keeps telling him that actions are clearer than words. He's stepping forward and kissing Wash full on the mouth before he can stop himself. Actions speak louder... Maybe this isn't about what Wash needs either.

* * *

The first time he kisses Wash, he expects a look of disgust, of horror. Maybe he expects to be on the receiving end of Wash's fist this time instead of Mal's.

The contact only lasts for a second before he's pulling back, stepping back. Out of range of Wash's anger. Except that this is Wash and Wash doesn't do things like that. Simon knows that he gets angry but not like this. Or not because of this. Simon can see him standing there and trying to work this new thing out that he probably desperately didn't need when Simon gets the courage to look up at him from under his lashes.

Simon's heart pounds too hard and he wants instantly to take it back when he sees the look that comes over Wash's face. Like nothing but pain and how could Simon be so selfish as to heap this on his shoulders.

"Wash, I'm sorry," the words come tumbling out and he can feel his face burning with how much of an idiot he must look. What Wash must think of him now...

Wash holds up a hand to still him before a stream of...everything can just come rushing out. He swallows the words. Whatever Wash decides Simon doesn't have any choice but to respect it. Wash decides to turn and walk away and Simon can't do anything but watch him.

* * *

River would tell him that the simplest answer is the best. He just can't figure out what the simplest answer is. To keep going after what he wants but he hasn't the right to do that. That's not what's going to help and that's what he wants first and foremost. To help this man who lost everything the way that Simon nearly did when they took River. River who's getting better and doesn't need him half as much anymore.

Or to walk away. Step down and let Mal and Wash have each other. Let them sort it out because there's clearly something more there than desperate screwing.

One solution that he doesn't want and one that he desperately does. One that would be right and the other... He's tired of always doing the appropriate thing. He's tired of trying to put everyone else's needs first but can't see that he can do much else. Just once couldn't he catch a break?

It's silly to be moping around in his infirmary, feeling sorry for himself. He squares his shoulders and tells himself it's fine. Wash is a friend which must be better than anything. He just needs to go explain to Wash that it's fine, the kiss was a mistake and all Simon wants to do is help. Even if that means Wash and Mal stay together.

Mal who's hand is hard on his shoulder and turning Simon roughly to face him. Simon grunts his surprise and rolls his eyes when he sees a pissed off Mal standing in front of him now. He thinks that Mal just shoves him around for the fun of it. Simon pulls himself up and meets Mal's challenging glare.

"What the hell did you say to Wash?"

"Whatever Wash and I-" he starts to bite out but Mal has him by the collar and gives a shake. Like Simon were nothing more than a misbehaving dog. Simon jerks himself angrily from Mal's grip and steps back. "I didn't say anything to him."

"I ain't seen him this upset since..." Zoe, Simon doesn't need him to finish it. Mal still can't say her name. He doubts that Mal and Wash ever talk about it. It just reaffirms in his mind how unhealthy what they're doing is. Why he needs it to stop, for both of them if not just Wash. "He said he was talkin' to you."

Simon looks away. Wash is miserable and it's his actions that did it. Mal steps back up to him, crowding into his space. Simon doesn't meet his glare now.

"Time you stayed away from him, dong ma? Had enough of you screwing with his mind."

Now Simon looks back to Mal, eyebrows raised in angry disbelief. "Now I've been helping. If anyone has been... You can't hide him from everyone else just because he's your last way of getting close to Zoe."

Simon hits the floor before he even realizes what's happening and Mal is already gone.

* * *

So another piece of the puzzle slips into place and Simon doesn't know what to do about it. Wash hasn't even come near him for the last two days. Simon walks into a room and Wash walks out. Simon doesn't know that he has any right to go after him.

Mal just glares at him and dogs him even more than usual. Thinks he's protecting Wash and maybe he is. Maybe Simon is just a selfish hun dahn that's really only helping himself. Maybe he's just obsessing. The way he used to obsess over River until she stopped needing him near so much. Wash was his new River and he doesn't know what he's doing anymore.

Wandering the ship when everyone else is asleep and finding himself in the infirmary. A lot of nights spent in here talking to Wash. Learning more about the man than he'd thought he would and actually gaining what felt like a real friend on this boat.

_Wash was his new River_. It couldn't be as simple as all that.

He hoists himself up to sit at the edge of the exam table, swinging his legs, and frowning.

"I thought doctor's were supposed to keep well rested. Wouldn't want a slip with the scalpel cutting off someone's trigger finger."

Simon doesn't even have the energy to jump, just lifts his head to look in the direction of Wash with a tired sort of surprise. Wash steps across to him, familiar as anything, and pulls himself up onto the table to sit by Simon. It would have been casual once but Simon's already pulled himself up tense and as relaxed as Wash looks, even Simon can feel the difference that says he's acting.

Wash swings his legs alongside Simon's. "I'm not the only one that needs help, you know."

Simon stares at him clueless and Wash just waits for him to get it. It's like that stupid saying with the dim bulb going off and sometimes he really does feel like an idiot. "Mal?" He's shaking his head but the irritation in Wash's eyes stops him. "You can't be serious... Mal is a-"

"Good friend. And person. And I'm not some possession for you two to fight over."

"That's not-" Wash isn't about to let him get a word in edgewise. He can feel his cheeks burning in shame and looks away.

"Don't. I don't need you two acting like children on top of it all."

"I'm sorry," he whispers. But Wash is already shushing him and a big warm hand palms the side of his face, forcing him to look up. Wash's thumb brushes against his lower lip and he gasps. Maybe this is it... Maybe... He's forgotten that Wash is still mad at him. Forgotten that he shouldn't even be wanting this. But Wash would take care of him, hold him like no one has bothered for years. He's been the one doing all the holding. He nearly begs out please.

"You and Mal settle things. Then maybe we can sort something out."

"What do you mean?" Stupid breathless voice.

Wash grins at him and drops his hand away, pushing himself off the med table. "You're top three percent. Figure it out."

* * *

Figure it out.

Simon doesn't sleep for the rest of the night and morning finds him staring blankly into an ice cold cup of coffee flavored something.

Settle things with Mal. How the rutting hell is he supposed to just settle things? The man is a pig headed selfish... He scowls into his coffee and tries to calm his thoughts. There's no good getting angry over his inability to do anything about the situation. Mal has Wash. Simon doesn't. What on earth else is there to sort out?

His mood doesn't lift any when he hears someone step into the room. He already knows who it is. Luck says it will be Mal and there's no surprise when that's exactly who settles into the seat next to his. A glance to the side says that he isn't he only one that's been sitting up all night...musing, he thinks he'll call it.

There's awkward silence as Mal just...stares at him. Simon sips at his cold coffee and tries to ignore it. Ignore what surely must be coming.

He's surprised when Mal just clears his throat and speaks softly. "Didn't really expect anyone else up this late."

Simon feels like snapping at him. Just something cruel, something jealous, spiteful. He shrugs noncommittally instead. "I've a lot to think about."

Another awkward pause falls. Simon can feel himself growing tenser. Just get it over with...

"Wash told me you kissed him," Mal comments and he's going for casual but Simon can hear that roughness in it. He doesn't look up from his drink.

"And you've come to what? Stake your claim again? You don't need to, Mal. I give up. He's all yours." How can it feel like his stomach falls out from just saying it?

He pushes back from the table and gets to his feet, intent on abandoning his drink for the miseries of a lonely bed instead. Mal's hand grabs his arm though and he tenses. Here it came. The male posturing, circling like dogs... He doesn't try to move away from it or Mal when Mal stands to face him. Still won't look at him. Not entirely sure he'd bother to hold anything back if he did.

"Gorrammit, boy," Mal snarls in frustration. "Y' ever gonna look at me?"

So Simon does, with a sigh, meets Mal eyes and the anger in them. "What do you want?"

"Didn't come in here to fight."

"I find that hard to believe." He jerks his arm from Mal's grip but doesn't step back.

_Settle it._

"What _did_ you come here for, then?"

Mal shrugs and looks embarrassed, glancing away from Simon and rubbing at the back of his neck. "Wash."

"Let me guess, he told you we had to settle this." He knows he sounds snide and hurt. He is. He's tired of pretending to be anything else.

"Somethin' like that."

And then Mal lips are on his before he gets a chance to react.

* * *

Hindsight. He hates hindsight.

But he expects they have it all settled now.

And when he realizes that Wash is standing in the galley entrance while Mal pushes him down on the table, lips to his throat and hands to his hips, he expects it's all being sorted as well.

And he's just too tired to pretend that this isn't something he could want.


	4. Chapter 4

_Epilogue. Wash._

It's possibly the most gorgeous sight he's ever seen. And not even because it's two hot guys down on the kitchen table, press and kiss and paw. Nope. It's two hot guys down on the kitchen table that he cares about. Getting along.

Long hard slow days where he never knew what the hell was happening. Felt himself swept up in the tide and went along for the ride. Not really knowing where he was heading. Not really caring. Thinking the one thing that mattered was gone.

But there's this whole ship of people. Counting on him. Driving themselves mad trying to help him.

And as Simon responds... As his hands cling to Mal's shoulders and he moans. And Mal moans. And they both know that he's watching and they want him there. It all snaps into focus. Except this time he's not hit with some horrible wave of pain when he thinks Zoe is gone and he's left with nothing.

No.

Zoe is gone and he's left with something just as good.

He grins, barks out 'Wait for me' and rushes to join Mal and Simon before they can get too far without him.


End file.
